august

I will be 49 in a couple weeks and have not even made it halfway to my goal. I just seem to have lost my ambition. I am really in a shitty mood lately and I can't seem to get out of this funk if anyone has any suggestions i would love them.

back to the start

 I am back on track I gained 10 pounds back! I have been living in denial and went back to healthy eating on saturday I have lost a pound since then so yeah me!

starting over

It has been a while since I blogged because I am ashamed of myself. I have not been doing well at all. I have as of this morning I gained back 10 pounds. I am so bummed .so I made a new commitment to get back on track and  gave myself some leeway to get it all out of my system ( the crappy eating) so starting July 8th I am going back to what I was doing in January. I am waiting till June 8th because I will be done my holidays then. No more excuses! So keep the good thoughts coming my way.

more trials and tribulation AKA drama

so I went to the doc a few months ago after weeks of having a pain in my side thought it was maybe gas but it went on and on so the doc ordered some tests including an ultrasound. turns out they have no idea what the pain was but in the process of looking into the pain they found a tumor on my adrenal gland. now there is a huge chance that the tumor is benign apparently they most often are found by accident and most often are benign. I believe it is benign 99% of the time but the 1% is freaking me out. if anyone has any info on this I would appreciate it.
on a more positive note I have been exercising way more but not up to par on the food still working on it so I think I can get back on line.

up and down

I am not doing very well, I have still not lost any weight and have been eating whatever I want. Not good. I have on the other hand been getting quit a bit of exercise which is good because otherwise I would have gained weight. I have lost all my motivation and I am really struggling to get it back. I have been doing some soul searching trying to figure out why and I am at a loss. I am going back to the counsellor and am hoping to get help and find my motivation again. I also know that I have been very down and not myself so I am hoping  that the counsellor will help with that too.

spring....finally

Finally we have spring! I can walk outside I guess I can walk outside all year but it gets pretty cold here so I don't I hate cold. I feel that I am back on track with the exercise but I have been getting out of control with the food...shit. also Mats birthday is on Thursday and that always throws me for a loop he is always on my mind but the days leading up to his birthday or the anniversary of his death I shut down. it is getting better as the years go by but it still happens. I really miss him and I have so much guilt and so many regrets . I have not gained weight but I haven't lost any for over a month I need to get back on track  and i will do it I just need a kick in the ass.


My Mat I love you son and I miss you everyday

excersize

I have not blogged for a while because I am ashamed of myself. I have not exercised for at least 2 weeks,  I have not been eating properly and has not lost any weight for a month! Well I hope that I can get back on track asap I bought a bike its sweet and I rode it to work yesterday It was pretty easy going to work its all downhill coming home was a challenge but I only had to walk the last 2 blocks I figure before the end of the summer I should be able to make it all the way without walking. As for the eating I need to get back on track but I need some new ideas for chicken and fish I am really bored with what I am eating. I am mentally back on track now I just need to get all the way there.

Work-kids-life

I work 2 jobs and a few days a week I start at 8am and go till 9 pm, it sucks sometimes I get so tired I can't wait to get home to bed so on these days I don't exercise so that has been part of the problem. I am also getting bored, the indoor walking track bores the hell out of me, the ladies I walk with all walk way faster then me and I end up walking alone. Yesterday a friend of my father-in-law gave me a treadmill  so I am hoping that will help , I am going to get a TV and set up a workout room in the spare room as soon as Michael cleans it. Michael is my eldest son and he just moved out a month ago and left a bunch of his stuff in the room and a big mess. Mark is my youngest and he also came back to live with me which is fine because besides the fact that I love my kids very much I know where they are all the time the problem is Mark is a bit messy               ( understatement of the year) and he has taken over my office and its a mess I don't even like coming in here anymore. But they will be gone soon and I will be whining because I miss them. My kids are pretty cool and they are very good to me their biggest flaw is that they have no kids and damn I am so ready to be a grandma, Michael says every time I bug him about grand kids he is putting it off for another 5 years... shithead! anyway that is my rant for this week, as for my weight I have lost and gained the same 2 pounds a few times this month I need to get off my butt!!!!

Lifes Curves

Well the weight loss program I was involved with is done, I lost the most weight in the group so yeah me! unfortunately since I have no one to be accountable to re: weighing in front of anyone, I have not done very well in the last couple weeks I have gained 2 pounds and have only walked once in the last week. so I need to have my ass kicked hard I guess I am just in a slump and hopefully it will get better.  I had my one year anniversary of not smoking so I rewarded myself with a pretty rad bike I will post a pic when I get it. Tony and I both ordered bikes so I hope that we can work out together. Hopefully next week I will have lost weight and have more positive things to report.

really?

I have been sick and I never get sick, in fact the last time I can remember being this sick was when Mark was a baby he is 22 now, so I am not very good at it. The upside of being sick is good weight loss ha ha I lost 6 pounds, not a good way to lose weight but for now I will take it! total loss to date 46 pounds! I want to vent now and there will be some swearing (well maybe) as some of you know I work at a local grocery store and have for just over a year so I have seen a lot of crappy things people do, steal, put ice cream on the cereal aisle etc. We had one customer who called two of our cashiers a racial slur. nice. well today was the be all end all of ignorance and disrespect. My boss and I ( he is 23) were unloading pallets and chatting as we worked, we always do that. well this customer came in and informed us that every time he comes in we are just standing around talking and not doing any work, he said we were wasting his time? he then went on to call us useless effing( he swore I didn't) wastes of skins! I was stunned, remember this was not part of a confrontation, he just came into the department and announced this! well my boss handled the guy very respectfully, he made me proud, the guy continued to name call and he just told him that that language was unacceptable and that he needed to stop swearing at us and that the store manager would be in tomorrow gave him the managers name, and told him to have a nice day, the guy called him a dink,a prick, and every other phallic name he could think of. well I was so angry I was steaming all day, so I felt the need to vent so thanks for listening. have a great week!

smoke free days

I reached a milestone today I have been smoke free for one year! I felt the need to blog about this because with all the things I have been doing to get healthy this is the biggest. I am here to say that if I can quit smoking anyone can I believe its mind over matter. But it won't work unless you really want to quit because if you don't you will not succeed. I feel I can say this is because I have quit because someone else wanted me to and because I wanted to it seems to be more permanent this time. ( well having emphysema helps keep me from smoking)  On the weight loss and exercise side of things I had a pretty bad week I couldn't exercise because my sciatica flared up and I was hooped for 2 days and in that time it seemed that I couldn't get enough to eat so I am pretty sure I have gained weight this week but I am back on track now and hopefully my weight loss will be as well.

I went to the doctor today after 2 weeks of keeping track of my blood levels well I am still diabetic but it is under control and I will not need to take any medication I have been keeping it under control with diet and exercise so yeah me! yesterday at work I bent over to pick something up and threw my back out ( I have sciatica) this is so painful, I had to leave work. I got home and went to bed, this was not a good plan I was stuck it took me quite a few tries to get up to go to the bathroom. when i finally did get up I decided it would be easier to sit on the couch. well that wasn't a good idea either I had to go to the bathroom , and after 2 hours of trying Tony finally convinced me to get some robaxacet so an hour after taking double the dose I finally was able to get up and go to the bathroom. I have never felt so helpless in my life! I have to work next week so I will not be able to attend my weight loss group so I had my final weight and measurements I was down another 3 pounds so 40 total so far and I lost 7 inches on my waist! I will continue on my journey but will be doing it alone.

those who can, do

I was at the walking track today and it constantly amazes me the different fitness levels that use the this venue. There is no age limit, you will see moms with babies in strollers and seniors using walkers. Today there was a couple senior men there that could barely walk one had a walker the other didn't this is very inspiring to me. If these men can do it there is no excuse for anyone to not exercise. There are quite a few seniors that use the track because our winters suck they are very cold and long, well not all the seniors are using walkers there there is a women there that is in her late 70's who jogs! often i am passed by seniors which makes me want to trip them, but i don't want to cause any hip problems so i resist that urge, it does make me want to walk harder. I am getting antsy and bored with the indoor walking and so the desire to walk faster then an 80 year old is what keeps me going.
PS: I lost 3 more pounds this week making the total 37 pounds so far.

lazy

I usually blog on Friday after I weigh in but I was too lazy this week. I think my hardest challenge is overcoming my natural impulse to be lazy. I am literally the laziest person I know, I always take the elevator when available. I never ever seek the stairs. I take the elevator to to get to the walking track both ways, I always take the elevator to my weight loss group actually its only one floor so I actually walk down the stairs and take the elevator back up. I actually hired a housekeeper because in 2 weeks I only cleaned the bathroom sink. well that didn't work out I believe that the housekeeper actually gave my laziness a run for my money! So I fired her and I will have to peel my ass off the couch and do some housework.......shit!    by the way I was down 2 pounds.

checks and balances

Another Friday another weigh-in this week I stayed the same weight. I am OK though because I figured out why, PMS it was the same time last month that I was up and was really upset. I am still very active and am eating well so I took some time to figure it out and that is what I concluded, it makes me feel a lot better about things. I had to do a one month goal for the Dietitian today and I made my goal to only weigh at the Friday meeting. this is a really hard goal for me as I weigh myself practically everyday and it really sets my mood for the day its really drives me crazy. the best thing that happened this week is that I finally got a housekeeper! I work 2 jobs and have one day off a week and I do not want to spend it cleaning, so I hired a housekeeper to come in once a week to clean the floors and bathrooms and best of all dust, her first day was yesterday, I didn't get home till 9 pm and was very excited to see the house. well my 2 boys are living with me right now and by the time I got home the house was a bit of a mess already! My husband said it was awesome when he got home so I know she did clean maybe I need to change the day she comes to a day that I am home before the boys and I can enjoy it for an hour!

ups and downs

Today was weigh-in day and I am down again only not as much as I have been losing but it was a weight loss only 2 pounds. I am not gonna lie I am disappointed with myself. I have been somewhat lax in what I have been eating so I need to get back on track.  At the beginning of my journey I was cooking ahead so I was eating a good dinner and lunch I have let this slide and it shows so I will take this small weight loss as a kick in the butt. I am also trying to add more exercise so that should help as well. I guess I will find out next Friday when I weigh in. have a great week all.

Temptations

Well it was weigh in day again and I was down another 5 pounds that's 30 total ! I can't believe how well I am doing I really hope I can keep up the momentum as I have another 110 pounds to go. I feel really good about my progress and am amazed at all the food I turn down that I have never turned down before. Today I hosted a baby shower for a girl at work, it was a potluck luncheon and  many of my favorite foods were there two of my faves were brought by me, I guess I was testing myself. well I budgeted for a bit of a splurge but still didn't overeat! so yeah me!!! ha ha
I have been exploring new foods as I don't want to get bored and slip. sugar peas are my new addiction I bought a 227 g bag and the total calories are about 100 ( 40 calories per cup)there is no fat and they are delicious, the down size is they are really expensive but it is really worth it. so I have decided this will be added to my "can have" list.

Deny Deny Deny

I had a weigh in on Friday at the dietitian and I was down another 5 pounds, my total loss is now 25 pounds. I have this really bad habit of weighing myself 2 or 3 times a week and the scale gauges my mood, ridiculous I know but it is a reality for many people who are obsessed with weight. it is part of the eating disorder and as hard as I try not too I am just too curious. Overweight people have a lot of "tools" we use to keep us in denial for example 100 calorie snacks. these are pre-measured snacks that are OK to have occasionally when you crave sweets. well one pack is 100 calories not bad but often you buy a box of these snacks and eat the whole box which is now 1200 calories! there really is no reason to restrict yourself to treats but if you can't stop at one snack then don't buy them go ahead and buy the chocolate bar you were craving in the long run you will eat way less. another tool I personally use is buying clothes that are too big for me, I hate trying clothes on so I grab something I know will fit and buy it. Not a great plan because if you underestimate your fatness you will be seriously bummed and if you overestimate it you won't even be able to wear the clothes. but if they are baggy and you wear them people will ask if you lost weight! so you get to stay in denial. I have many many years of practice in the denial category, in the past I have often been heard saying I want to lose weight, while eating a giant chocolate bar. really I just said it to shut people up, who was I hurting? I was hit with the harsh reality of age and illness and figured I wanted to outlive my car so I better get busy and deal with the mess I had made of myself. best thing I heard about this getting healthy deal.... "we spend the first 40 years of our life killing ourselves and the next 40 trying to get better"

what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

I have been pretty negative lately and that is not who I am or what this blog is supposed to be about. So I am going to try and stay positive and try and keep you all entertained as well. last summer I was being harassed by a woman at work I was getting very stressed out about the situation and developed anxiety attacks as a result. I went to the doctor and she prescribed an extra anti-depressant. well these pills stopped the anxiety but as a side bonus they have given me the funniest dreams ever I had one the other night that involved Wolf man Jack and I dancing the night away! I find that laughter always helps me feel better so when I am feeling particularly down I call my friend Monica. Monica is so funny she is fluent in sarcasm and can twist any negative situation into a funny situation. I just got off the phone with her and I am still smiling.. everyone needs a Monica, sadly mine lives 2 provinces away so I don't see her very much. My husband is also pretty hilarious in fact he is the first man I have ever been with that makes me laugh and I mean stomach holding bent over gut laughing. so my advice is this: if you find yourself in a shitty mood or situation, call your Monica, or watch a comedian on TV and just laugh, when was the last time you had a good laugh? PS: Laughter also burns calories :)





My Monica and me

FRUSTRATION

Yesterday was my group weigh in day , I gained almost a pound! I can honestly say I have no idea how, I have not cheated I have been exercising and still..... all the women that were there either lost weight or stayed the same and all of them said they cheated or they went out for dinner or didn't exercise! I find this very frustrating i just wanted to go home and eat chips..... but i didn't so yea me and i guess i will need to watch what i am eating and exercise more. and next week is a new week.