august

I will be 49 in a couple weeks and have not even made it halfway to my goal. I just seem to have lost my ambition. I am really in a shitty mood lately and I can't seem to get out of this funk if anyone has any suggestions i would love them.

back to the start

 I am back on track I gained 10 pounds back! I have been living in denial and went back to healthy eating on saturday I have lost a pound since then so yeah me!

starting over

It has been a while since I blogged because I am ashamed of myself. I have not been doing well at all. I have as of this morning I gained back 10 pounds. I am so bummed .so I made a new commitment to get back on track and  gave myself some leeway to get it all out of my system ( the crappy eating) so starting July 8th I am going back to what I was doing in January. I am waiting till June 8th because I will be done my holidays then. No more excuses! So keep the good thoughts coming my way.

more trials and tribulation AKA drama

so I went to the doc a few months ago after weeks of having a pain in my side thought it was maybe gas but it went on and on so the doc ordered some tests including an ultrasound. turns out they have no idea what the pain was but in the process of looking into the pain they found a tumor on my adrenal gland. now there is a huge chance that the tumor is benign apparently they most often are found by accident and most often are benign. I believe it is benign 99% of the time but the 1% is freaking me out. if anyone has any info on this I would appreciate it.
on a more positive note I have been exercising way more but not up to par on the food still working on it so I think I can get back on line.

up and down

I am not doing very well, I have still not lost any weight and have been eating whatever I want. Not good. I have on the other hand been getting quit a bit of exercise which is good because otherwise I would have gained weight. I have lost all my motivation and I am really struggling to get it back. I have been doing some soul searching trying to figure out why and I am at a loss. I am going back to the counsellor and am hoping to get help and find my motivation again. I also know that I have been very down and not myself so I am hoping  that the counsellor will help with that too.

spring....finally

Finally we have spring! I can walk outside I guess I can walk outside all year but it gets pretty cold here so I don't I hate cold. I feel that I am back on track with the exercise but I have been getting out of control with the food...shit. also Mats birthday is on Thursday and that always throws me for a loop he is always on my mind but the days leading up to his birthday or the anniversary of his death I shut down. it is getting better as the years go by but it still happens. I really miss him and I have so much guilt and so many regrets . I have not gained weight but I haven't lost any for over a month I need to get back on track  and i will do it I just need a kick in the ass.


My Mat I love you son and I miss you everyday

excersize

I have not blogged for a while because I am ashamed of myself. I have not exercised for at least 2 weeks,  I have not been eating properly and has not lost any weight for a month! Well I hope that I can get back on track asap I bought a bike its sweet and I rode it to work yesterday It was pretty easy going to work its all downhill coming home was a challenge but I only had to walk the last 2 blocks I figure before the end of the summer I should be able to make it all the way without walking. As for the eating I need to get back on track but I need some new ideas for chicken and fish I am really bored with what I am eating. I am mentally back on track now I just need to get all the way there.

Work-kids-life

I work 2 jobs and a few days a week I start at 8am and go till 9 pm, it sucks sometimes I get so tired I can't wait to get home to bed so on these days I don't exercise so that has been part of the problem. I am also getting bored, the indoor walking track bores the hell out of me, the ladies I walk with all walk way faster then me and I end up walking alone. Yesterday a friend of my father-in-law gave me a treadmill  so I am hoping that will help , I am going to get a TV and set up a workout room in the spare room as soon as Michael cleans it. Michael is my eldest son and he just moved out a month ago and left a bunch of his stuff in the room and a big mess. Mark is my youngest and he also came back to live with me which is fine because besides the fact that I love my kids very much I know where they are all the time the problem is Mark is a bit messy               ( understatement of the year) and he has taken over my office and its a mess I don't even like coming in here anymore. But they will be gone soon and I will be whining because I miss them. My kids are pretty cool and they are very good to me their biggest flaw is that they have no kids and damn I am so ready to be a grandma, Michael says every time I bug him about grand kids he is putting it off for another 5 years... shithead! anyway that is my rant for this week, as for my weight I have lost and gained the same 2 pounds a few times this month I need to get off my butt!!!!

Lifes Curves

Well the weight loss program I was involved with is done, I lost the most weight in the group so yeah me! unfortunately since I have no one to be accountable to re: weighing in front of anyone, I have not done very well in the last couple weeks I have gained 2 pounds and have only walked once in the last week. so I need to have my ass kicked hard I guess I am just in a slump and hopefully it will get better.  I had my one year anniversary of not smoking so I rewarded myself with a pretty rad bike I will post a pic when I get it. Tony and I both ordered bikes so I hope that we can work out together. Hopefully next week I will have lost weight and have more positive things to report.

really?

I have been sick and I never get sick, in fact the last time I can remember being this sick was when Mark was a baby he is 22 now, so I am not very good at it. The upside of being sick is good weight loss ha ha I lost 6 pounds, not a good way to lose weight but for now I will take it! total loss to date 46 pounds! I want to vent now and there will be some swearing (well maybe) as some of you know I work at a local grocery store and have for just over a year so I have seen a lot of crappy things people do, steal, put ice cream on the cereal aisle etc. We had one customer who called two of our cashiers a racial slur. nice. well today was the be all end all of ignorance and disrespect. My boss and I ( he is 23) were unloading pallets and chatting as we worked, we always do that. well this customer came in and informed us that every time he comes in we are just standing around talking and not doing any work, he said we were wasting his time? he then went on to call us useless effing( he swore I didn't) wastes of skins! I was stunned, remember this was not part of a confrontation, he just came into the department and announced this! well my boss handled the guy very respectfully, he made me proud, the guy continued to name call and he just told him that that language was unacceptable and that he needed to stop swearing at us and that the store manager would be in tomorrow gave him the managers name, and told him to have a nice day, the guy called him a dink,a prick, and every other phallic name he could think of. well I was so angry I was steaming all day, so I felt the need to vent so thanks for listening. have a great week!

smoke free days

I reached a milestone today I have been smoke free for one year! I felt the need to blog about this because with all the things I have been doing to get healthy this is the biggest. I am here to say that if I can quit smoking anyone can I believe its mind over matter. But it won't work unless you really want to quit because if you don't you will not succeed. I feel I can say this is because I have quit because someone else wanted me to and because I wanted to it seems to be more permanent this time. ( well having emphysema helps keep me from smoking)  On the weight loss and exercise side of things I had a pretty bad week I couldn't exercise because my sciatica flared up and I was hooped for 2 days and in that time it seemed that I couldn't get enough to eat so I am pretty sure I have gained weight this week but I am back on track now and hopefully my weight loss will be as well.

I went to the doctor today after 2 weeks of keeping track of my blood levels well I am still diabetic but it is under control and I will not need to take any medication I have been keeping it under control with diet and exercise so yeah me! yesterday at work I bent over to pick something up and threw my back out ( I have sciatica) this is so painful, I had to leave work. I got home and went to bed, this was not a good plan I was stuck it took me quite a few tries to get up to go to the bathroom. when i finally did get up I decided it would be easier to sit on the couch. well that wasn't a good idea either I had to go to the bathroom , and after 2 hours of trying Tony finally convinced me to get some robaxacet so an hour after taking double the dose I finally was able to get up and go to the bathroom. I have never felt so helpless in my life! I have to work next week so I will not be able to attend my weight loss group so I had my final weight and measurements I was down another 3 pounds so 40 total so far and I lost 7 inches on my waist! I will continue on my journey but will be doing it alone.

those who can, do

I was at the walking track today and it constantly amazes me the different fitness levels that use the this venue. There is no age limit, you will see moms with babies in strollers and seniors using walkers. Today there was a couple senior men there that could barely walk one had a walker the other didn't this is very inspiring to me. If these men can do it there is no excuse for anyone to not exercise. There are quite a few seniors that use the track because our winters suck they are very cold and long, well not all the seniors are using walkers there there is a women there that is in her late 70's who jogs! often i am passed by seniors which makes me want to trip them, but i don't want to cause any hip problems so i resist that urge, it does make me want to walk harder. I am getting antsy and bored with the indoor walking and so the desire to walk faster then an 80 year old is what keeps me going.
PS: I lost 3 more pounds this week making the total 37 pounds so far.

lazy

I usually blog on Friday after I weigh in but I was too lazy this week. I think my hardest challenge is overcoming my natural impulse to be lazy. I am literally the laziest person I know, I always take the elevator when available. I never ever seek the stairs. I take the elevator to to get to the walking track both ways, I always take the elevator to my weight loss group actually its only one floor so I actually walk down the stairs and take the elevator back up. I actually hired a housekeeper because in 2 weeks I only cleaned the bathroom sink. well that didn't work out I believe that the housekeeper actually gave my laziness a run for my money! So I fired her and I will have to peel my ass off the couch and do some housework.......shit!    by the way I was down 2 pounds.

checks and balances

Another Friday another weigh-in this week I stayed the same weight. I am OK though because I figured out why, PMS it was the same time last month that I was up and was really upset. I am still very active and am eating well so I took some time to figure it out and that is what I concluded, it makes me feel a lot better about things. I had to do a one month goal for the Dietitian today and I made my goal to only weigh at the Friday meeting. this is a really hard goal for me as I weigh myself practically everyday and it really sets my mood for the day its really drives me crazy. the best thing that happened this week is that I finally got a housekeeper! I work 2 jobs and have one day off a week and I do not want to spend it cleaning, so I hired a housekeeper to come in once a week to clean the floors and bathrooms and best of all dust, her first day was yesterday, I didn't get home till 9 pm and was very excited to see the house. well my 2 boys are living with me right now and by the time I got home the house was a bit of a mess already! My husband said it was awesome when he got home so I know she did clean maybe I need to change the day she comes to a day that I am home before the boys and I can enjoy it for an hour!

ups and downs

Today was weigh-in day and I am down again only not as much as I have been losing but it was a weight loss only 2 pounds. I am not gonna lie I am disappointed with myself. I have been somewhat lax in what I have been eating so I need to get back on track.  At the beginning of my journey I was cooking ahead so I was eating a good dinner and lunch I have let this slide and it shows so I will take this small weight loss as a kick in the butt. I am also trying to add more exercise so that should help as well. I guess I will find out next Friday when I weigh in. have a great week all.

Temptations

Well it was weigh in day again and I was down another 5 pounds that's 30 total ! I can't believe how well I am doing I really hope I can keep up the momentum as I have another 110 pounds to go. I feel really good about my progress and am amazed at all the food I turn down that I have never turned down before. Today I hosted a baby shower for a girl at work, it was a potluck luncheon and  many of my favorite foods were there two of my faves were brought by me, I guess I was testing myself. well I budgeted for a bit of a splurge but still didn't overeat! so yeah me!!! ha ha
I have been exploring new foods as I don't want to get bored and slip. sugar peas are my new addiction I bought a 227 g bag and the total calories are about 100 ( 40 calories per cup)there is no fat and they are delicious, the down size is they are really expensive but it is really worth it. so I have decided this will be added to my "can have" list.

Deny Deny Deny

I had a weigh in on Friday at the dietitian and I was down another 5 pounds, my total loss is now 25 pounds. I have this really bad habit of weighing myself 2 or 3 times a week and the scale gauges my mood, ridiculous I know but it is a reality for many people who are obsessed with weight. it is part of the eating disorder and as hard as I try not too I am just too curious. Overweight people have a lot of "tools" we use to keep us in denial for example 100 calorie snacks. these are pre-measured snacks that are OK to have occasionally when you crave sweets. well one pack is 100 calories not bad but often you buy a box of these snacks and eat the whole box which is now 1200 calories! there really is no reason to restrict yourself to treats but if you can't stop at one snack then don't buy them go ahead and buy the chocolate bar you were craving in the long run you will eat way less. another tool I personally use is buying clothes that are too big for me, I hate trying clothes on so I grab something I know will fit and buy it. Not a great plan because if you underestimate your fatness you will be seriously bummed and if you overestimate it you won't even be able to wear the clothes. but if they are baggy and you wear them people will ask if you lost weight! so you get to stay in denial. I have many many years of practice in the denial category, in the past I have often been heard saying I want to lose weight, while eating a giant chocolate bar. really I just said it to shut people up, who was I hurting? I was hit with the harsh reality of age and illness and figured I wanted to outlive my car so I better get busy and deal with the mess I had made of myself. best thing I heard about this getting healthy deal.... "we spend the first 40 years of our life killing ourselves and the next 40 trying to get better"

what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

I have been pretty negative lately and that is not who I am or what this blog is supposed to be about. So I am going to try and stay positive and try and keep you all entertained as well. last summer I was being harassed by a woman at work I was getting very stressed out about the situation and developed anxiety attacks as a result. I went to the doctor and she prescribed an extra anti-depressant. well these pills stopped the anxiety but as a side bonus they have given me the funniest dreams ever I had one the other night that involved Wolf man Jack and I dancing the night away! I find that laughter always helps me feel better so when I am feeling particularly down I call my friend Monica. Monica is so funny she is fluent in sarcasm and can twist any negative situation into a funny situation. I just got off the phone with her and I am still smiling.. everyone needs a Monica, sadly mine lives 2 provinces away so I don't see her very much. My husband is also pretty hilarious in fact he is the first man I have ever been with that makes me laugh and I mean stomach holding bent over gut laughing. so my advice is this: if you find yourself in a shitty mood or situation, call your Monica, or watch a comedian on TV and just laugh, when was the last time you had a good laugh? PS: Laughter also burns calories :)





My Monica and me

FRUSTRATION

Yesterday was my group weigh in day , I gained almost a pound! I can honestly say I have no idea how, I have not cheated I have been exercising and still..... all the women that were there either lost weight or stayed the same and all of them said they cheated or they went out for dinner or didn't exercise! I find this very frustrating i just wanted to go home and eat chips..... but i didn't so yea me and i guess i will need to watch what i am eating and exercise more. and next week is a new week.

We must become the change we want to see... Mahatma Gandhi

The beginning of a new month is always good, its like a clean slate and you can look at your life and if things are good continue what your doing if not start over. last post I was pretty down I had lost some of my enthusiasm and I have to thank you for the feedback. I especially want to thank my Niece Tara. first of all I had no idea that anyone actually read this and to find out that Tara does made me feel very good, I feel recharged and ready to go. I have started another very physical job this week, cleaning the store I work at  3 days a week. I was planning on adding more exercise and this way I am getting paid to do it ha ha. I am doing fine with the food element IE: not over eating and eating very healthy. I could have killed a diet coke today though, I am really craving that vice. oh well i dreamt about smoking for almost 8 months after I quit and I didn't go back I am sure that I will be OK.

I thought this was a pretty cool picture of my family( well most of it) I am the little girl in the front in red. for some reason my brother Tom is not in the picture.. weird

End of Month 1

Well I did it! I made it through the first month fairly unscathed. I lost 16  pounds and I didn`t give in to temptations. I am here to tell you it was hardest this last week. I found that I really craved junk food and although I didn`t cave I really wanted to. I also found that I don`t want to exercise anymore I am tired but I still go. I have a friend that I walk with and she is leaving town for a while and I am hoping I continue. All my earlier enthusiasm has toned down immensely. I know that I won`t eat crap and will continue to walk because again the end result is well worth it, but its an uphill battle and its so hard. All I can promise right now is that I will continue my battle but sure could use some feedback.

temptations

It has been a few days since I blogged been busy. I had a pretty interesting week, as of fridays weigh in I am down 16 pounds! Its really hard work and there are temptations so many temptations. I have a mantra that really helps...."IS it worth it?" it usually isn't and I have not fallen. I guess its more important to be healthy then to eat crap.

Goals

I have made a lot of goals for myself in this journey and I have achieved two of them and I am so pumped. I guess that is why its recommended to set goals, break them down so they are achievable and when you reach them you can celebrate and move on to the next one. my first weight loss goal was to be out of the 300's well I did it! my next one is to increase my exercise. we will see how that goes. sometimes I make a snap decision to do something and as I am pretty stubborn I stick to it. Last March I decided I was over the whole smoking thing and after over 30 years of smoking I quit. I used a devise called an inhaler for about a week then I was done. I can't say it was easy but it needed to be done and sometimes I miss it, but not enough to start again. And the emphysema diagnosis kinda helps me not go back. This week I decided to stop drinking Diet Coke. if you know me you know how huge this is. I stopped to think how long I have been drinking it and decided again it was time to pack it in. well the headaches have been incredible but i endured and they have calmed down a lot. I know that this is good and I will continue to stay away from both smokes and diet coke but it will be weird for everyone, my nephew once told me that he doesn't remember me ever not having a smoke or a diet coke in my hand, he is 37, so it was well past time.

" The way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it"- Rafiki from The lion King

I have spent many years of my life running from things and hoping they would go away. They don't and in fact many get worse. I ran to England when my marriage ended, I ran to Dawson when I felt that I had burned all my bridges in Alberta and was about to run when Mat died but then I met Tony and I stayed. My  regrets about the choosing to run to England are so many that I am ashamed to talk about it. Moving to Dawson was also a mistake, because I believe I could have changed many things that happened after I moved. But had I not moved I never would have met Tony. this summer I felt like quiting my job everyday but didn't I couldn't afford it for one but I also needed to learn to stay and not run at the first sign of things getting uncomfortable. I learned a lot about myself from this, and have changed my outlook on life immensely. I have started and gave up on weight loss so many times in the past that I can't count I have lived in denial of the weight I was gaining,I am at at point where all I wear is black stretchy pants and really big shirts I can't bend over to tie my shoes so I tie them just enough that I can slide into them. my weight had reached an all time high of 316 pounds just before Christmas. I
Today I reached my first weight loss goal, to be under 300 pounds. It felt good and it felt bad, good because I did it and bad because I had to do it!


the first time I lost weight ,I am the one in the jean shorts. I still have the shorts I am hoping they fit me by next summer.

Diet = DIE with a T

Today I went to my first meeting of the 12 week weight loss program with the dietitian. There are a group of us learning to be healthy and lose weight the "right" way as opposed to dieting. I was about to say that diets don't work but actually they do work every weird and wacky one of them. The problem is that they are impossible to sustain for the rest of your life. You will lose weight but it is hard to keep it off because you and I both know you are not going to eat cabbage or grapefruit the rest of your life, and that is exactly what has to be done in order to keep that weight off. Healthy lifestyle is different you may not lose 100 pounds in 3 months but with healthy eating habits and exercise you will lose weight and as it is a lifestyle change it can be kept off. I want you to think about someone you know that lost weight...... is the first question that you ask "how did you do it?" if you say no then your lying. We ( and by we I mean every overweight person everywhere) are looking for that quick easy fix. Think about how much money you have spent buying diet pills,books,food,videos,etc. we want a miracle and as fat people we are inherently lazy. don't think so? think about your activity level right now if you are still not living healthy , and if you are think about your activity level before. you did not get fat from eating right and being active. I was very sedentary I went out only to go to work and walk the dog and the walk took maybe 5-10 minutes just long enough so she could go to the bathroom. I was eating junk food daily and not apologising for it, I did not care that I was over 300 pounds my way to deal with that was buy big clothes and not weigh myself. I would make half hearted attempts to exercise but would give up giving one of many pat excuses, my knees hurt, I am too tired from work and the best one my feet are really sore from work, I could go on forever, and have. The beginning of the end was when my husband lost 60 pounds, bastard! He stopped indulging in the junk with me. we were like to heroin addicts who egged each other on. we watched biggest loser together and kidded ourselves that we were not that bad, while eating junk food. when he lost weight and stopped eating crap with me it kind of took the wind out of my sails, I actually tried to peer pressure him into eating his favorite junk with me He refused. One day I was whining that we never went out anymore (we used to go out for dinner 2 or 3 times a week), so the next day he said we were going for Chinese because he missed it. I know that wasn't why, my husband loves me and I shamelessly used that to get my way. at the time it was a victory now I am ashamed. Now Tony Inspires me, he supports my efforts and is my biggest fan its pretty awesome and I am pretty lucky.

How to get fat without even trying.

People who have never had a weight issue often wonder why other people choose to get fat?! well I am here to tell you lucky people it is actually not a conscious choice. for me food is similar to a drug when I feel any emotion I eat its my "feel better go to" for some that's booze or drugs or even exercise. Also like any eating disorder it can be about control. for me its all of these, I need to decide what I eat and when because if you tell me I can't have it I will sure as shit want it, weather I like it or not... I will be in control,and those of you who know me know this about me. For some the weight just kinda creeps on without the person even noticing!. a few ( quite a few) years ago I lost 80 pounds and I kept it off for close to 5 years Things in my life started to fall apart and my weight just seemed to creep back up until now I have gained the weight back plus another hundred and let me tell you it feels awesome... NOT! Some of the things I dealt with in the past few years , many moves, chronic depression diagnosis, my 20 year ( abusive) marriage ending, a midlife crisis and subsequent move to England, homelessness, losing a son,  a new marriage, losing my career, and quiting smoking. As you see some of these things are very tragic and some are very happy but all cause stress and my drug of choice is food. please don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone or thing for my weight it really is my fault that I am fat its just that I want to show what happens to some people that can't handle stress well or don't have the tools to handle it any other way. my sister Rose once said to me when I had lost that weight and spouting off all my vast wisdom on weight loss." I know the rules I am just not ready to follow them". that my friends is it in a nutshell, I knew the rules I just wasn't ready to follow

them , I am now.

This picture has nothing to do with todays blog I just think its cool that I held a snake and was smiling while doing so

My inspirations

I have many inspirational people in my life and they all inspire me for different reasons. for example,My older sister Rose has always inspired me to be the best me I can be. My boys inspire me to be smarter and funnier because they are so smart and funny...well they are smart asses anyway. today I found out that one of my most favorite people in the world who also happens to be my neice has been secretly losing weight ( well I guess its not a secret anymore) and has lost a shit load of weight she has been doing weight watchers and going to the gym, I am really proud of her. way to go Flo!!!! I also have a really good friend who lost a bunch of weight then went through a nasty divorce with an equally nasty man and did gain some of the weight back, BUT she is not giving up and will reign supreme again. she is the funniest, smartest ,and most OCD organized person I know but you gotta love her.

I have been walking three days a week with a lady from work we walk 5 km a day and by the last 10 minutes I am ready to quit but she always keeps me going. well she is going away for a few weeks so I will have to encourage myself which is never good I constantly outsmart myself its pretty embarrasing. My plan is to wear my MP3 player ( yes I admit to using MP3 and not an IPOD) and singing loudly. incidently i walk at an indoor walking track and feel all the people there should be entertained.
I have also decided that I need another activity so I am going to start going to the pool one day a week. I apparently didn't hide my swimsuit well enough and I found it. so i will keep you all posted on this activity.  well I am off to bed have a great night everyone.

 me and my OCD friend

 my amazing husband tony and I he has lost over 60 pounds since the wedding and when i lose my 140 we are getting  new wedding pictures i hate how i look in these.

my boys and I three years ago

biggest loser

Every Tuesday I watch the biggest loser and in the past I watch with chips and dip! well now I excercise during the commercials I have an aerobic step (courtesy of my amazing husband) and I do step ups and crunches and any other excercise I can think of, it is really enjoyable. Another inspirational show is CBC'S 'Taylor, Village on a diet' and a new one to A&E called 'Heavy' really interesting. my kids figure all I watch on TV is "fat" shows and "cop" shows ha ha they are actually right! have a great night

week 3 weigh in

So i started this whole eating healthy and exercizing thing Jan 1/2011 Tuesday is my weigh in day, well to date I have lost 8 pounds! so it is working. I think that I am really annoying people at work because I am constantly telling people how many calories they are eating so my new goal is to "shut the hell up" ha ha I am a bit of a busy body and need to fix that as well....any suggestions?

The Beaties

last week I found out I was type 2 diabetic. this truely sucks because a month ago i was told I have emphasema! what truely sucks about both these diagnoses is that they were both preventable. I smoked for 30 years and quit last march, I was having alot of trouble breathing after I quit and emphasema was why. the good news its not to bad for all the years smoking like a 2 out of 5, the bad news? no matter what I do it won't get better but also good news it won't get worse as long as I continue being a non smoker. the Beaties ( as my kids call it) will in fact get better and it can be eliminated by losing weight. I started the healthy lifestyle January 1 and have been doing ok. I am struggling this week and am really craving junk. I am seeing a dieticion, and a addictions counsellor, I believe I am addicted to food much like I was addicted to smoking and I need all the help I can get for this. so I am hoping that people read this and can pass on good tips and recipes for weight loss that are easy to follow. I will try and get on here everyday but at least once a week.

here I go

I started this in September last year but never did anything with it so i am starting again today. my goal is to lose 140 pounds by september 4, 2012; my 50th birthday.