more trials and tribulation AKA drama

so I went to the doc a few months ago after weeks of having a pain in my side thought it was maybe gas but it went on and on so the doc ordered some tests including an ultrasound. turns out they have no idea what the pain was but in the process of looking into the pain they found a tumor on my adrenal gland. now there is a huge chance that the tumor is benign apparently they most often are found by accident and most often are benign. I believe it is benign 99% of the time but the 1% is freaking me out. if anyone has any info on this I would appreciate it.
on a more positive note I have been exercising way more but not up to par on the food still working on it so I think I can get back on line.

up and down

I am not doing very well, I have still not lost any weight and have been eating whatever I want. Not good. I have on the other hand been getting quit a bit of exercise which is good because otherwise I would have gained weight. I have lost all my motivation and I am really struggling to get it back. I have been doing some soul searching trying to figure out why and I am at a loss. I am going back to the counsellor and am hoping to get help and find my motivation again. I also know that I have been very down and not myself so I am hoping  that the counsellor will help with that too.

spring....finally

Finally we have spring! I can walk outside I guess I can walk outside all year but it gets pretty cold here so I don't I hate cold. I feel that I am back on track with the exercise but I have been getting out of control with the food...shit. also Mats birthday is on Thursday and that always throws me for a loop he is always on my mind but the days leading up to his birthday or the anniversary of his death I shut down. it is getting better as the years go by but it still happens. I really miss him and I have so much guilt and so many regrets . I have not gained weight but I haven't lost any for over a month I need to get back on track  and i will do it I just need a kick in the ass.


My Mat I love you son and I miss you everyday